Zelretch Holiday
by zed019
Summary: Merry Christmas Self insert story. M for minor cursing.
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer:** I own nothing , this is purely a fanfic for enjoyment. Cross-over from various games , books, anime, manga, and movies. The familiar characters you see here belongs to their respected authors and owners.

* * *

It was holidays greetings with jingles and bells.

While the grinch I mean Zelretch was plotting with zeal.

Tormenting Emiya had come and go, but he was bored and his skin white as snow.

He stood up and thought, what will I do to quell my boredom.

How I wish I could bring joys to teenegars while it secretly benefited me for all the more reason.

He thought real hard, he could use his mystical powers to grant mundane people with powers.

Who knows they might go crazy with drugs on power.

I'll do just that and I'll get a kick out of it too.

I'll be Santa clause with a side of grinch two point O.

With wave of his hand, he used his kaleidoscope powers, searching far and wide like a R.O.B or a random mystical being.

The victims will curse, or is it the other way around who knows.

He searched far and wide and gave his blessings to many, but this story ain't about them nor a teenager named Jenny.

It was about a boy named Zed so I'll stop rhyming now, and get on on with the story.

Zed an eighteen year old teenager was asleep that Christmas night and was having the most bizarre dream. He saw the popular fictional character name Zelretch wearing Santa Claus outfit saying "Ho,ho,ho, Merry christmas."

"Okay." Said Zed dumbfounded.

"Hello, insert name here, I have come bearing gifts to young boys and girls, by gifts I mean a copy of the heroic spirits abilities and memories at random but it comes at a price, there is a chance that you will get hurled at a random dimension if you do take this gift, so be forewarned before you make this decision and I mean in the next five seconds, as I got a schedule to keep so hurry up with decision making." Said Zelretch in a merry tone.

"Okay..." Said Zed contemplating.

"5"

"4"

"3"

"I accept." Said Zed Hurriedly.

"Congratulations young sir, as to your prize, let's see, Oh my, you win the heroic spirit of my favorite toy, congratulations and don't spend it all on one place." Said Zelretch as he left.

Just as Zelretch left, a flood of memories came flooding in Zed's brain it just didn't contain on lifetimes memories of the heroic spirit Emiya but his counterparts as well, it contained lots of fighting, cooking, fighting, and lots of sex as well as trauma of the fuyuki fire but most of all the countless millenia of memories and regrets of the counter guardian spirit Emiya that a normal person couldn't handle and so Zed went into a comma for the rest of his life and died processing all the memories of the person known as Emiya Shirou and his counterpart selves.

"I feel like I forgot something, oh well." Said Zelretch on his merry way.

But our story doesn't end with that just yet, Zed's soul wandered and wandered until it stumbled upon an alternate dimension of the world of Fiore.

 **Fiore, Uzu village**

It was a happy time in Uzu village, unbeknownst to the whole village an upcoming dark guild called ''Soul Reapears" was targeting this whole village.

The plan was set in motion years in the making, in the underground of the village was a set of tunnels that runs throughout the village made by the Soul Reapears. Countless runes script overlays one after another, their objective?, the completion of the philosopher stone that rumored to grant eternal life. As the clock struck midnight, their plan was afoot, they chanted the rituals and the runes glowed responding to the chants.

Above the village of Uzu, a red barrier enveloped the large village barring anyone from escaping, people one by one fell dead as if they were sleeping, their souls exited their body and went to the underground tunnels where the Soul Reapers where chanting, the souls converged on the altar the Soul Reapers prepared as time went by. It took a day when the ritual was was finished and was completed successfully.

The Soul Reapears then went and hid away leaving a village with lots of corpses behind.

Around that time Zed's soul floated and merged to a young boy around the age of twelve with white hair with a lithe body build. His clothes consisted of a simple tunic and shorts with sandals.

Zed slowly opened his eyes.

"I'm alive?." He said as he was dumbfounded. He remembered the millenia old of memories that got dumped on him. He recalled them as he laid still for thirty minutes before something in his mind clicked.

"Curse you Zelretch!." Zed shouted.

Zed then stood up grogilly as he observed his sorroundings, countless bodies lay wasted upon him, he didn't budge an inch as he was already desynthesized by the memories of the heroic spirit that got dumped into him. He wasnt the happy go lucky Zed anymore, he was more cynical and geared towards himself as a priority. He kindly felt attuned to the counter guardian Emiya than his one sided ideals to be a hero of justice that he become severely jaded on his outlook on his life.

"I already died once, I have to live for myself more." Zed said as he walked among the countless corpses along the way. He just missed the rune nights that was sent to investigate the village.

Zed walked along the way, he noticed the changes in his body, so young around the age of twelve, has got small muscles and was lean than his obese teen body before, well equipped down there too he noticed as he too a quick realease in the tree nearby along the forest trail.

"Trace on." Zed said as he traced a sword, he noticed that he has no circuits but he managed to trace a sword.

He looked inside himself using tracing and found out that he had a second circulatory system to which generated magic, he also noticed a magic circle whenever he casts magic and he felt no resistance to his creations that were present to heroic spirit Emiya's memories.

Zed hunted some rabbit along the way. He also collected herbs and spices in the forest and placed it in a traced satchel. He also excercised his body to be able to gain more stamina so he can do moves like heroic spirit Emiya, so far he has alot more to go. By the end of the week he was in healthy shape and more attuned to his body, He got a clear look at his face in a lake he passed by. He liked his his white hair that looked like heroic spirit Emiya's. He also found out that his traced things doesn't break down by a time limit and also found out that he can dismiss is mana construct. "Good to know." Zed hummed as he continued his training.

He would like to go to a village or town to gather information but decided against it, he was not confident enough to handle the dangers of this world yet and he felt vulnerable. So he stayed in that forest for two years re-learning techniques from the heroic spirit. He also gained battle experience from some strange talking man-ape that he found out to be a vulcan, He dreaded the epiphany that day. He was somewhere in Fiore, in earthland, land of dragons and mages and guilds. For the second time he cursed and shouted "Curse you Zelretch!."

It was finally time, Zed was ready he walked away hopefully towards a nearby town wearing his traced shirt, jeans and shoes. His training obviously did him some good, he was now a tall 6.4 and was sporting a muscled six abs, overall it was truly worth it.

Along the way Zed saw bandits targeting a lone black haired male, tall, with metal piercings. He decided to observe, he casted reinforcement in his eyes and viewed the fight from afar.

 **With the bandits.**

"Hand over all your money, and maybe we'll let you live." Said the bandits.

"You better listen to what he said pall, we don't want this to get too bloody, if you know what I mean."

"Kukuku, on the countrary, it is you who will pay the price from obstructing my way, **Iron Dragon's Club!**." The male said as his hands elongated and turned into an iron club that rimmed though the bandits.

The bandits fell one by one, it wasn't even a contest.

"Tch, not even a challenge, **ISN'T THERE SOMEONE AT THERE THAT CAN CHALLENGE ME, GAJEEL REDFOX**!." The male shouted.

 **With Zed**

Zed watched the the short fight very interested as he saw a similar technique to one of the fairy tail character.

" **ISN'T THERE SOMEONE AT THERE THAT CAN CHALLENGE ME, GAJEEL REDFOX!.** " Zed heard the shout that confirmed his suspicion.

Zed decided to oblige to the teen and slowly said. " **I am the bone of my sword**." as an iron bow was traced at his hands.

" **Steel is my body and fire is my blood.** " Zed continued as he traced a sword that turned into an arrow.

Zed pulled the strong of the bow slowly and inserted the sword-arrow and released it.

 **With Gajeel**

When Gajeel shouted his challenge in the air he expected no response, he didn't expect an arrow that was aimed toward his torso, of course he heard the arrow whizz by with his enhanced hearing. He quickly formed an iron shield with his hand and " **Clang!** " it sounded and Gajeel felt it hit real hard. He didn't expect that surprising strong blow by an arrow that he skidded a few meters on the clearing.

"Fuck, is this what they say, about be careful what you wish for?." Said Gajeel. as he was now alert as to where the arrow came from, but it didn't help him one bit as the barrage of arrows continued to followed him wherever he goes. the arrows seemed to have a mind of its own as it slowly teared down Gajeel defenses and stamina. It wasn't a contest at all, it was like the roles were reversed, he wasn't the hunter anymore, he was the pray and he felt so powerless.

The cat and mouse dragged on for thirty minutes untill Gajeel couldn't take no more and gave up waiting for the finishing blow.

"..."

The finishing blow never came, but an arrow with a note was launched beside him. It read.

"That should teach you a lesson to be careful what you wish for." Signed Archer.

That was what Gajeel read then he passed out.

 **With Zed**

After knocking out Gajeel Zed felt satisfied and chuckled as he went on his way.

It didn't take long for Zed to reach a town. It was named Hargeon, he sold his pelts for surprisingly huge some of jewels, around 500,000 jewels, he did store two years worth of pelts.

The first thing he did was he went to a brothel. He stayed there for a week and spent 200,000 jewels. "What!, don't judge me, I died a virgin." Zed defended to some imaginary people.

Although he had the memories, experiencing it first hand was pure bliss, it did help that he tried lots of sexual techniques he learned as he tried it to his partners and resulting to them wanting him more and more, of course his well equipped tool and his sculpted Adonis body charmed the ladies even more. Zed treasured the experience.

The ladies were sad that he had to go, but they gave him a warm farewell as Zed went to find a job. His money was dwindling, but thankfully he remembered he has archers memories that carried over. His cooking skills was Godly with a capital G. He found this out with his time spent with his partners in the brothel.

He rented a small store at a small alley away from the city for cheap, the rents at the center of the town was more expensive, but the location of his store didn't matter, he was very confident in his culinary skill arts.

A week passed and all the legal documentations were set as well as prep and ready. Zed didn't need to buy stuff as he just traced all the stuff he needed.

 _"Yup, this is the life."_ Zed thought as he traced the things need to the store.

The end result was the store felt a quaint sanctuary nearby.

Zed was about to open his store when when he a person he never thought he would meet again in his door.

"Hello, can I help you." Zed said in a greeting.

"Kukuku, we meet again archer." Said Gajeel in front of him.

"Who?." Zed said feigned innocent.

"Tch, don't play coy with me, I memorized your scent from the arrows, don't underestimate a dragon slayers nose, although you have been busy I see, I smelled your scent from multiple women you sly dog, I asked and here we are."

Said Gajeel smiling.

Zed mouth was opened as Gajeel explained his ventures with his lady friends and was amazed and surprised he underestimated Gajeel's nose.

"Fine, fine, you got me, what do you want?."

Gajeel's eyes gained a predatory glint and said.

"I want you." Said Gajeel.

"Whaat noooo, I don't swing that way." Zed defended.

Gajeel then flustered and quickly said.

"I wasn't finished!, what I meant to say was I want you to join our guild." Said Gajeel.

"Huh?." Said Zed.

"Huh?, oy, don't huh me you idiot!." Said Gajeel

"Ahem, what's a guild?." Said Zed feigned.

"What do you mean what's a guild?, it's a place of gathering for strong mages and collect and do various job with varying rewards depending on the job difficulty, we either call them jobs or quest. Get it now?." Said Gajeel who was irritated explaining this to Zed.

"You won't give up will you?." Zed said.

"I'm not leaving till you come with me." Said Gajeel Insistently. No way was he giving up and letting his new fighting partner go that easily he never felt more excited more than ever.

With a look of defeat Zed sighed and said "Fine, I'll go."

Quicker than you you can say pie, Zed was forcefully dragged by Gajeel for a fifteen minute running session.

 **Zed's POV**

I now see a huge building saying 'Phantom Lord Guild Hargeon Branch' on the view as we quickly went near it.

Gajeel stopped in front of the guild door for a minute and then he kicked the door with his foot hard opening the door forcefully gaining everyone's attention.

"It's Gajeel."

"Who's that with him?."

As the murmurs were floating around, Gajeel went inside towards the guild bar while dragging Zed and said "We will have one more person joining Phantom Lord, do you have questions?." He stared at the bar receptionist who gulped and replied "No, sir."

The bar receptionist quickly tended to Zed who filed some paperwork and asked what color and where he wanted his guild mark to which Zed replied "Red, to my left shoulder."

With that out of the way the many members quickly stared at me. One member finally had the guts and walked towards me and said. "We don't take kindly to your kind here."

"Isn't that right guys!."

"Yes!."

Gajeel was just impassively watching as the events played on.

Faster than anyone could blink the guy which was intimidating Zed was flung across the wall and was pinned down by knives.

Everyone was left speechless, the guy that was pinned down was this branch's strongest member, only below Gajeel and the element four.

"There, I joined happy?." I said as I was verry irritated at the moment.

"Very." Gajeel responded with a smirk.

Zed then went home to cool off and stormed out the guild.

 **Phantom Lord Main Branch Headquarters.**

A hologram lacrima crystal was giving a report to Jose Porla

"Guildmaster sir, we have a new recruit today from the Hargeon guild branch." Said the guild hall receptionist Hargeon branch.

"I see, why are you bothering me with this trivial news?, we get new members everyday." Said Jose Porla.

"But Guildmaster, Gajeel personally brought him in and he is very powerful from the looks of the trick he pulled when signing in."

"Ohhhh?, do tell." Jose Porla grinned as he heard more from the report, he was liking his day more and more.

 **The next day**

loath as Zed to admit it his restaurant plan was ruined as he had no choice but to take guild missions.

Zed was very angry he went straight up to the second floor and took 3 S-rank jobs.

The rest of the people didn't bother stopping Zed and secretly wished for his early death due to the difficulty and dangers of the missions.

"I'll be taking these job request." Zed Said said facing the bar receptionist.

The receptionist raised an eyebrow then stamped the request making it official.

Zed may seem like he was getting more than he can handle but all three request were severe vulcan infested towns that were overtaken by vulcan that needs to be wiped of the as there were no known cures on how to change a vulcan back to human when the time limit was up and generally noone wants to do those dirty job so the request piled up and the rewards increased.

One month passed by and the Phantom Lord Guild was in her gloomy self. Noone had heard from Zed and no-one seemed to cared. That day the door opened slowly and a cloaked figure went inside the guild heading towards the guild bar/receptionist.

Just as the figure was about to reach the counter. Max, the same person who bothered Zed before and got pinned to wall came up to him and said.

"We don't take kindly to strangeres here." Max said in a threatening tone.

The figure stood, once again he waved his hand and Max was again pined to the wall.

"Yooooou, your alllliiive?." Said Max dumbfounded

Zed then took his cloak off and headed towards the guild receptionist and he handed the requests back with a complete mission insignia on it.

"You were able to pull it off?." Ask the dumbfounded receptionist while Zed gave a nod and left the dumbfounded filled guild with their mouths hanging.

 **Magic Council Meeting**

Jose Porla was having a very very bad day, all he was hearing was Fairy Tail this, Fairy Tail that and their powerful magicians and there destructive damage that the council was trying to pin it on the Fairy Tail guild master who was picking his nose for boogers.

Seriously Jose Porla was was fed up and was about to leave when one of the members said something that interested The Phantom Lord Guildmaster.

"Hoh, Phantom Lord is getting popular lately, have you guys heard about those Vulcan infestation missions?."

"You mean those dirty missions that noone wanted to take?."

"Yes, we all know that noone wanted to take those missions because they would be akin to killing human lives."

"Those things are not human anymore."

"What are you talking about those are human lives were talking about!." Said Makarov.

"Yes, yes, we've heard the same drivel from before Makarov, so what about those missions." Asked Jose Porla.

"Yes, apparently Phantom Lord splendidly completed those missions and surprisingly, The Vulcan infested towns were cleared and the former humans were restored back to their human selves using an unknown method somehow."

"All of them?."

"Yes all of them, surprisingly there were no casualties."

"It apparently was the most miraculous news to hit since the salamander first came who debuted and destroyed some town property."

"They're calling him the Phantom Lord's Savior or something cheesy like that."

"Really."

"Yes Really, I never imagine Phantom Lord to get such a miraculous member."

"What do you have to say Jose?."

Jose Porla was dumbfounded, he never knew he had such a member so he has no clue on how to respond, but he was an expert at bulshiting, Phantom Lord is number one in Fiore after all so he smugly smiled and Said.

"No comment." Said Jose Porla smiling with an angelic face. He looked very humble.

"Prffttt." Where the members who did a double take and some who were surprised and spitted their drink quickly couldn't believe their ears.

Aside from usually being grumpy and the stiff competition with the fairy tail guild, Jose Porla was usually very grumpy and quick to lash to someone but at this momement. He looked like an innocent angel witch that smug smile and seemed angelic. It was well known that Jose Porla and the word well behave doesn't seem to work together so this moment blew the minds of the magic council out of proportions.


	2. Chapter 2

**Disclaimer:** I own nothing , this is purely a fanfic for enjoyment. Cross-over from various games , books, anime, manga, and movies. The familiar characters you see here belongs to their respected authors and owners.

* * *

Zed was sleeping soundly, he was dreaming on the mission he took as he remembered and traced casters rule breaker's enchanted dagger to break the vulcan possession effectively disabling them with no casualties, sure they were riddled with bruises but we're fine otherwise. With what the first blow delivered the rest came down like domino's as the vulcan tried to resist but was unable to avoid the exchange. Zed used his own version of trigger set and launched a an army of rule breaker at his foes like the gate of babylon ejecting treasured weapons at opponents.

 **Flashback**

Zed went by train to get his jobs done the sooner the better. The train brought him as far as it could bit he had to trek and walk halfway before he encountered them vulcans.

"Human male not welcome, me kill." Said a vulcan as he came and punched Zed who slightly used minimal movements to evade his punch.

"Not bad human, but me strong, me squash you like bug." Said the vulcan as he lifted and uprooted a tree with sheer strength.

Feeling the absurdity of the situation, Zed cursed and then an idea hit him.

"Look a pretty girl." Said Zed.

The Vulcan went still and said "Where?" as he was busy looking around for a pretty girl that Zed mentioned, the aforementioned trickster took his chance to slip the vulcans at that opening.

"Man, vulcans are dumb, that trick wouldn't work on all of them would it?." Zed pondered and tried the pretty girl trick again, surprisingly it worked again.

"Man that was fun." Said Zed and it made all the way infiltrating on the vulcan infested towns more easier and did the job that he came there to do.

 **Flashback End**

Meanwhile, at the Phantom Lords Main Headquarters Guildmaster room

Jose was laughing uncontrollably, he finally one-uped those fairy idiots and it made him look good in public too, judging by the large amount of reporters looking for the mysterious Phantom Lords Savior.

He sat down and opened his finest wine and reviewed a picture of his bold new super recruit and laughed again in pure bliss as he remembered the shocked faces of the Magic council. He even spent a good amount of jewels for celebrating a week long celebretations at all his guild branches, as Phantom Lord gained a portion of the money from completing said reward while his new golden super recruit gained fifty million jewels, their guild received half of that amount and a bonus of another twenty five million jewels as a bonus thanks for the complete rescue with no casualty that his new super recruit refused but transfered the bonus to the guild.

His Phantom Lord guild was now very very rich having an additional fifty million jewels at their disposal and the sheer reputation that was worth more than it weighs in gold. In one swell swoop he both gained four things that he craved Wealth, Power, Reputation and Revenge against those Fairy tail mages without him lifting a single finger. Before he was planning to get those mentioned above by a job request by the Heartfelia family head, but now he doesn't have to do a damn thing, his day was just getting better and better.

The next day, when Zed decided scope up his competition in the guild was a surprised reaction gained by the young male mage. He was warmly welcomed with respect fear and was oddly treated as royalty by the Phantom Lord Members.

Gajeel was grinning like a loon in a corner seeing as he was indirectly responsible for recruiting Zed, he was treated equally as royalty.

Gajeel introduced Zed to the element four and the gang, but mostly the element four. There was.

Aria who is a very skilled user of Airspace Magic who can sneak behind his opponents and empty all their Magic Power in just seconds.

Juvia Lockser who is a very skilled Water Mage, who has a body made of water that renders all physical attacks as well as some Magical attacks useless. Her Magic's power is greatly amplified when she is in an emotional state (for example, extreme anger).

Totomaru who is a very skilled user of Rainbow Fire Magic and could match Fairy tails Natsu in combat with his many different flames. Totomaru also uses the fearful pyrokinesis ability, which allows him to control his opponents' flames, even flames as powerful Fire Dragon Slayer Magic flames.

Sol who is a very skilled user of Earth Magic and Sand Magic. He also has a unique body structure capable of twisting and stretching in unnatural manners at will. One of his spells, Merci la Vie, can cause great suffering through the use of his opponent's bad memories.

"I think I'll take a month off from doing guild jobs, I'm thingking of traveling a bit for a new perspective." Said Zed.

"Okay, I'll tell master that you're taking a month off." Said Gajeel.

"Thanks, I'll be off." Said Zed as he took of to spend his jewels.

* * *

Dark Auction a black market auction owned and operated by dark guilds. This establishment is well known to sell dark artifacts and sex slave to anything the buyer that can think of, everything has a price and the dark auction has got it.

"Kageyama-san are you sure it's wise for you to auction lulluby?, Eligor will be pissed."

"Who cares, do you wanna be rich bastard or a poor bastard?." Said Kageyama.

"Off course I want to be rich, just be sure to give me 20% of today's profits like you promised kageyama-san, it wasn't easy taking the lulluby and tricking Eligor to believe another dark guild member lost it while drunk, of course that one was fake, kukuku."

"Our next item for bidding is a dark artifact known as lullaby, it is rumored to be a flute containing one of the demons of Zeref capable of death magic that is said to bring calamity to the world. It's melody of death is said to have caused endless strife to the magic council and it is such an amazing coincidence that this precious dark artifact came to our hands."

"Kukuku, you forgot to mention it's heavily sealed thereby nullying it to a mere useless trinket."

"Thattts."

"That bastard, they're on to us Kageyama-san."

"I never knew it, why you're right, my analyze magic said it's heavily sealed, and it's unlikely anyone in the world who can remove this seal, I'm outa here."

"Same here, I almost wanted to buy that artifact, damn."

"People, people, I assure you that it still have some uses, We will start the bidding at... at one million jewels."

"..."

"Who are they trying to fool children?, this is totally a scam."

"..."

"One million jewels."

"Hahahaha, someone actually bid for the thing, it's merely for decoration."

"Hahahahahaha."

"No more bids for this item anyone?, going once, twice... sold to mister red cloak."

"Crap, crap, I didn't expect them to find that little detail kageyama-san, if they didnt, it would make the item go for billion of jewels."

"Yeah, how unlucky." Said Kageyama-san.

A smile revealed from the red cloaked person that bought the lulluby who couldn't believe he bought it for cheap, that person is none other than Zed Emiya who took the last name of Emiya because he is practically one now.


End file.
